i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
