At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
