my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
