today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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