rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
