i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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