i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
