moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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