happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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