making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i drank out of a bidet.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
