I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
