I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
