I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
