He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You have to summon your inner elephant
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
