Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
