Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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