me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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