ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
