im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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