I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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