I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
