I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
