Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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