The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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