I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if only i could text you this smell
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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