I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
