I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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