i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
