Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
