i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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