apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
