friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need a beard to bite.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
