This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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