Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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