Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
