I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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