i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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