Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
