evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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