I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
