i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
