he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
