i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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