I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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