Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
