I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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