i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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