Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
