You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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