i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
