I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
